THE BEST LIKED PLAY IN THE UNITED 
STATES AND CANADA 

The Arrival of Kitty 

By Norman Lee Swartout 
A Farce in Three Acts For Five Men and Four Women 
One Easy Interior Set 

The perennial success which has been played on the professional stage more 
than five thousand times and over fifteen hundred times. by amateurs, with an 
increasing number of productions each year. One of those rare and really 
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Easily produced. Each part a star part. Bobbie Baxter pursuing his little 
love affair with Jane against the opposition of his uncle, William Winkler, has 
occasion to disguise himself as a woman and is mistaken for Kitty, an actress 
and close friend of Winkler's, to the vast confusion of everything and every- 
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The following are a few testimonials selected from hundreds of letters and 
press notices: 

" 'The Arrival of Kitty* is a success." — New York Dramatic Mirror. 
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places." — Toledo Blade. 
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M I only regret that there are not more plavs of this calibre on the market." — 

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"The play was a wonderful success. The press and public are still talking 

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"You are certainly to be congratulated for writing a play bo simple, so easy to 
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ROYALTY ONLY TEN DOLLARS 

Each Amateur Performance 

Books Seventy-Five Cents Each 

WALTER H. BAKER COMPANY 
41 Winter Street, Boston, Mass. 



A BIT O' HEATHER 

A Comedy in One Act 



By 

MARION LAMONT DAVIDSON 




BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 



V 



?S G35 



AEL RIGHTS RESERVED 

"A Bit o' Heather " is fully protected by copyright, and all 
rights are reserved. Permission to act, read publicly or to make 
any use of it must be obtained from Waeter H. Baker Com- 
pany, 41 Winter Street, Boston, Mass. 

It may be presented by amateurs upon payment of a royalty of 
five dollars ($5.00) for each performance, payable to Walter 
H. Baker Company one week before the date when the play 
is given. 

Professional rates quoted on application. 

Whenever the play is produced, the following notice must ap- 
pear on all programs, printing and advertising for the play: 
" Produced by special arrangement with Waeter H. Baker Com- 
pany, of Boston, Mass." 



Copyright, 1921, by Marion Lamont Davidson 

Copyright, 1930, by Waeter H. Baker Company 

Made in U. S. A. 

All rights reserved 



A Bit 0' Heather © Q| Q DUb. 8 

TMP92-009044 

MAY 15 1930 



A BIT O' HEATHER 



CHARACTERS 

Jeanie Bigger, housekeeper. A gentle speaking, red- 
cheeked woman of middle age. Neatly dressed. 
Scotch accent. 

John Wilson, a retired middle west farmer. Well off, 
stout, rather bald, about fifty-five. Scotch dialect. 

Rev. Cameron, minister. A delicate, dapper, cheerful, 
birdlike little man. 

Maggie Martin, the bride. A thin, wrinkled, combative, 
sour old maid. Dressed unbecomingly in stiff, ugly 
clothes. Past fifty. Very broad Scotch. 

Dr. Gray, a jolly, capable, friendly man. About fifty. 

Time. About n o'clock on a spring morning. 
Place. Home of John Wilson — town in middle west. 



A BIT O' HEATHER 



SCENE. — The living-room of John Wilson's house in 
a small country town. The room is simply furnished, 
neat, clean and cheerful. It is a homey room with 
comfortable chairs and a sofa and pretty silk curtains 
at the windows. A portrait of a woman over the 
mantel. There is one outside door, one door leading 
to the kitchen, and two doors to bedrooms. 

John. (Dressed in stiff, new clothes, pulling at tie, 
enters from bedroom, calling:) Jeanie! Jeanie ! 

Jeanie. (Off) Ay, Mr. Wilson— I'm comin' ! (She 
enters, her arms filled with flowers.) 

John. (Awaiting her inspection) Hoo do I look? Is 
my tie a'richt? 

Jeanie. (Straightening tie, her voice very gentle) 
Ye look fine, Mr. Wilson. — I'll juist brush ye aff a wee 
bit. 

John. Hoo do ye like the fit o' my coat, Jeanie? 

Jeanie. (Admiring him as she brushes) It fits pair- 
fectly, Mr. Wilson. I was juist wishin' Miss Wilson 
could see ye the day. 

John. (Chuckling) Weel — it's no exactly the day 
I'd want to be seem' Ellen. It wad mak' it a bit com- 
pleecated, ye ken, Jeanie. 

Jeanie. Ay, it wad that! (She sighs.) She was a 
saint. 

John. (Rather pompously) Weel — she's had her 
day, Jeanie. The Lord saw fit to tak' her. We mauna 
grieve. 

Jeanie. (Piously, wiping her eyes) Ay, the Lord 
giveth and the Lord taketh awa' ! Ha ye a pocket nip- 
kin, Mr. Wilson ? 

John. (Feeling in pocket) No, I havna. 

Jeanie. I'll get ye one. (She goes out.) 

5 



6 A BIT HEATHER 

John. (Taking things out of his pocket) Theere's 
the license — and the rring. — (He holds it up.) I could 
'a' used Ellen's if she hadna had those letters put in it. 
(Jeanie returns with handkerchief.) Can ye think o' 
anything mair, Jeanie? — The license and the ring 

Jeanie. Ha' ye yer railroad tickets ? Ye canna git far 
wi'oot them. 

John. (Takes out case and looks) Ay, I ha' them. 
(He pulls out a picture.) Here's her picture, Jeanie. 
Ta'en on her birthday, — juist thirty years ago. 

Jeanie. She's rale nice lookin'. 

John. (With enthusiasm) Ay, she is that, Jeanie. 
She was the prettiest girl in Bannockburn. (Hopefully.) 
I dinna think she'll have changed much. (He puts the 
picture on mantel and stands looking at it.) 

Jeanie. (Doubtfully) It's a lang time. 

John. Ay? Weel, — we'll soon be seein'. 

(Clock strikes eleven.) 

Jeanie. I dinna want to be hurryin' ye, Mr. Wilson, 
but it's no airly. I think ye'd ought to be startin'. 

John. Ay, — I maun be goin'. 

Jeanie. Arre ye no takin' a cab? 

John. Na, na, I'll walk. I'll mebbe ha' ta be takin' 
one comin' back. 

Jeanie. I'm thinkin' ye'll ha' ta hurry, then. Ye 
wouldna want ta miss her. 

John. (Emphatically) I would not. I'll gae the 
back way. It'll no tak' me lang. 

Jeanie. (Brushing his hat) Here's yer hat. 

John. Jeanie, air ye sure I look a'richt? 

Jeanie. (Admiring him) Ay, ye look fine, Mr. Wil- 
son. 

John. I wadna want ta disappint her, Jeanie. (He 
goes.) 

Jeanie. (Calls after him) Ye willna! 

John. I'm off! 

(Jeanie stands zvatching him longingly, and then she 
turns back into the room and stands in front of the 
large crayon portrait of the first Mrs. Wilson. She 



A BIT HEATHER 7 

wipes a tear from her eye and turns to the flowers 
she had brought in earlier and begins to arrange 
them. _' The Minister, a dapper little man, puts his 
head in the open door.) 

Cameron. Good-morning, Jeanie! 

Jeanie. {Turning quickly) Oh, good-morning, Rev- 
erend Cameron ! Hoo's a' wi' ye, the day ? 

Cameron. I'm very well, Jeanie. Are you almost 
ready for the wedding? 

Jeanie. I'm juist puttin' a few flures aboot ta 
brighten the room a bit. 

Cameron. You are surely succeeding, Jeanie. It 
looks very nice. I want to speak to Mr. Wilson for just 
a moment, if he's not too busy. 

Jeanie. Oh, but he's na here! He's gone to the 
train ta fetch her. 

Cameron. Already? (Looks at watch.) It's later 
than I thought. (Whistle blows.) There's the train 
now ! 

Jeanie. (With concern) He'll never mak' it! I tolt 
him to hurry. The clock must be wrang. 

Cameron. (Looks at the clock and then at his watch) 
Yes, it is — ten minutes. But she'll wait for him. 
(Smiles.) I'm thinkin', Jeanie. There were a few ques- 
tions, Jeanie, I wanted to ask Mr. Wilson before the 
ceremony — regulation questions, you understand. Ah — 
ah — I don't suppose you could tell me ? 

Jeanie. I dinna ken. What is it ye're wantin' to 
know? 

Cameron. Are you acquainted with the bride? 

Jeanie. No. I've never set een on her. 

Cameron. You know her name, of course. (Takes 
out pencil and paper.) 

Jeanie. Oh, ay, I know her name. Maggie Martin. 

Cameron. Miss Maggie Martin ? 

Jeanie. Ay, — Miss. 

Cameron. You are quite sure, Jeanie, that she is a 
maiden lady? 

Jeanie. Oh, ay! I'm sairtain. 

Cameron. She has never been married before? 



8 A BIT O' HEATHER 

Jeanie. Na. She hasna. 

Cameron. You are absolutely sure, Jeanie? The 
church demands the statistics, you know. 

Jeanie. Ay, I'm sairtain, because when he wrote her 
that his wife was deid, she answered back, " I've been 
true to you for thirrty years, John. I ain't never thocht 
o' anither mon in my whole life." — He juist left the 
letter oot on his desk so ony one could ha' seen it. 
{Apologetically. ) 

Cameron. {Meditatively) Ah, — I see. I see. — 
Then he's known her for thirty years? 

Jeanie. Ay, thirrty years. They were sweethearts. 
I suppose they were gaein' to be married, but they had 
an awful fuss — Mr. Wilson has quite a temper when 
he's roused, sir, — and he went awa' frae the town where 
she lived and in a bit o' a while he mairit Miss Wilson 
and they cam' awa' to America. 

Cameron. And he hasn't seen her in all these years ? 

Jeanie. No, he ain't never been back. He's often 
spoke o' gaein' but it's a terrible expense, sir. 

Cameron. Yes, it is. 

Jeanie. But he says he can remember juist hoo she 
looks. (Sadly.) 

Cameron. (Sweetly) He must have a very good 
memory. Isn't it romantic, Jeanie? A wedding is al- 
ways so romantic ! Well, I'll be going along. 

Jeanie. I was thinkin' the place for them to stand is 
here in front o' the mantel. I'm gaein' to put these flow- 
ers here. 

Cameron. That will be very nice, Jeanie — very nice. 

Jeanie. (Much troubled) But Reverend Cameron, 

do ye think I hope ye'll na mind me speakin' aboot 

it, but it seems to me — do ye think his first wife's pic- 
ture ought to be hangin' here richt in the room where he's 
gaein' to be married to anither woman ? 

Cameron. (Hesitating) Well, I don't know, Jeanie. 
She's dead, you know. 

Jeanie. Ay, she's dead, but oh, Reverend Cameron, 
she was sich a guid woman! (Wipes away a tear.) 
They got on fine taegither, I thocht — but I suppose he's 



A BIT O HEATHER 9 

always been a-hankerin' after this one back in Scotland. 
He hasna waited ower lang, ye ken. 

Cameron. Perhaps you'd better take it down, Jeanie, 
if you feel that way about it. I believe it would be better 
to take it down. Did I understand that the happy couple 
are going away to-day? 

Jeanie. Ay, they arre. To Niagara Falls. 

Cameron. Niagara Falls ! After such a long journey, 
I should think the bride would be tired and like to stay 
at home. 

Jeanie. He's been wantin' to go for a lang time, and 
there's excursion rates to-day. 

Cameron. Oh, I see! Of course that makes a dif- 
ference. The wedding will be at twelve, then? 

Jeanie. Ay. 

Cameron. Then I'll hurry along so I can be back in 
time. Good-bye, Jeanie. 

Jeanie. Good-bye, Reverend Cameron. 

(He goes out. Jeanie gets a chair and takes down 
the portrait, dusts it carefully. There appears at the 
door a woman, old, wrinkled, sour, gray-haired, in 
ugly clothes. She carries an old-fashioned hand-bag 
and umbrella. She has on a hat with ostrich feath- 
ers. She knocks loudly. Jeanie turns sharply.) 

Maggie. (In a deep, rough voice) Whose hoose is 
this? 

Jeanie. (Quietly) This is the home of Mr. Wilson. 

Maggie. John Wilson? 

Jeanie. (With dignity) Ay. 

Maggie. (Sharply) Weel, wheerr is he? 

Teanie. He's no here, at present. 

Maggie. Weel, wheerr is he? I'm askin'. 

Jeanie. He's gone to the station, on business. 

Maggie. W T eel, Miss— I'm the business. 

Jeanie. (Indignantly) He'll no ha' time for ony o' 
your business the day. He's gaein' ta be mairit. 

Maggie. (Contemptuously) Is he? I micht ha' 
something to say aboot that. 

Jeanie. (Smiling) You? I dinna think what you'd 
say would mak' muckle difference. 



10 A BIT HEATHER 

Maggie. I could stop it a' richt if I'd a mind ta. 

Jeanie. What da ye mean? — That ye've got son^ 
thing on him ? 

Maggie. (Looking wise) I could stop it. 

Jeanie. Stop yer bletherin' ! Ye couldna ha' ony- 
thing on Mr. Wilson. He's one o' the best men in the 
whole world. 

Maggie. Weel, I'm glad to hear it. I havna seen him 
in thirrty years. Why was he no at the station to meet 
me? 

Jeanie. Meet ye? Meet ye? — It carina be that ye're 
• — ye're no — (the truth dawns on her) ye're no — ye 
couldna be Miss Martin! 

Maggie. I am that. 

Jeanie. (Mouth open) Maggie Martin o' Bannock- 
burn ! 

Maggie. (As Jeanie stares) Ay! What ails ye? 
Arre ye daft? 

(Jeanie continues to stare, much disturbed.) 

Jeanie. (Quietly) I — I wasna' expectin' ye sae 
airly. — Will ye come in? (Maggie zvalks in stiffly.) 
Will ye be seated? Will ye be carin' ta tak' afr" yer bon- 
net? 

Maggie. I'll wait juist as I am, for John. 

Jeanie. He'll no be lang, I'm thinkin'. 

Maggie. Who arre you? 

Jeanie. I'm his hoosekeeper. 

Maggie. Hoosekeeper! I didna ken he had a hoose- 
keeper. 

Jeanie. Oh, ay ! Mrs. Wilson wasna ower strong. 

Maggie. Hoo long ha' ye been here ? 

Jeanie. It's gaein' on three years. 

Maggie. Oh, ye have! That's a lang time. What 
does he pay ye ? 

Jeanie. (Hesitates — then with great dignity) He 
pavs me what I'm worth. 

Maggie. (Gets up and walks around the room) None 
o' yer impidence! Wha's that? (She points to picture 
of Mrs. Wilson.) 

Jeanie. That's a picter o' Mrs. Wilson. 



A BIT HEATHER II 

Maggie. {Looks at it a long time) No beauty. 

Jeanie. No beauty — but verra kind and guid. It was 
a sair affliction when the Lord pairted twa folk sa well 
suited to ane anither. 

Maggie. Dinna be worritin' aboot the Lord. He kens 
His ain affairs wi'oot interference from you. {Looks 
around.) So this is the hoose — where I should ha' been 
for thirrty years ! 

Jeanie. Do ye like it? 

Maggie. Silk curtains ! 

Jeanie. Miss Wilson had uncommon taste. She was 
very dainty. 

Maggie. Ower dainty, I'm thinkin'. Extravagant. 

Jeanie. Ye'll be havin' plenty o' chance to change it 
if ye dinna like it. 

Maggie. {Positively) Ay, I wull that! And I'll na 
be needin' a body waitin' on me. I'm na ane o' the weak 
ones 

(John's voice is heard at the back, calling.) 

John. Jeanie ! I've missed Maggie ! She'd gone awa' 
frae the station. 

Maggie. What'll I dae? (She jumps up and runs 
behind a big overstuffed chair.) 

John. (Appears at the door. Sees the baggage) 
Wheer's Maggie? Is she here, Jeanie? 

(Jeanie says nothing.) 

Maggie. (Comes from behind the chair, simpering) 
Ay, I'm here, John ! (She holds out her arms.) 

(Jeanie goes out but cannot refrain from looking back 
as John stands looking at Maggie.) 

John. (Aghast) You! Maggie! 

Maggie. (Sweetly) Ay, John. Dae ye no ken yer 
Maggie ? 

John. Ye're na Maggie. 

Maggie. (In astonishment) I am that! 

John. (Solemnly) I wadna ha kenned ye from 
Adam. My God, Mag ! Hoo ye've changed ! 



12 A BIT O HEATHER 

Maggie. {Sharply) Ye've changed yerseT, John. 
But why was ye no at the station ? 

John. I w r ouldna ha' kent ye if I had been there. 
But what ails ye, Mag? Were ye seasick? 

Maggie. I was that. It was a terrible crossin'. 
Cauld and blawy ! 

John. {Beginning to worry) Is it that, da ye think, 
makes ye look so auld, Mag? 

Maggie. {Angry) Auld! What ails me looks ? I'm 
na so auld. 

John. {In despair) God knows, — but ye look awfu' 
auld. Ye're mair like yer auld Aunt Hetty. 

Maggie. I was thinkin' the same o' you, John. Yer 
hair's fairly gone. Ye didna tell me ye were bauld. Ye 
look like yer auld fayther. 

John. I'm na a bit like my fayther. 

Maggie. He was na verra handsome, if that's what 
ye mean. 

John. {Rubbing his head) I'm na bauld, either. It's 
only a bit thin. 

Maggie. Why did ye no meet me ? Hoo did ye think 
I'd be gettin' here? 

{Enter Jeanie.) 

John. I kent ye'd find yer way, Mag. 

Jeanie. {At door) Mr. Wilson, Reverend Cameron 
called while ye were oot and said he'd be back soon. 
Ye're to ha' this room, Miss Martin. {Points to door.) 
Will ye be needin' ony help ? 

Maggie. I will not. I'm not the kind that has to be 
waited on. 

Jeanie. As ye please, Miss. 

(Maggie goes to door and turns to John.) 

Maggie. What time's the thing comin' aff, John? 

[Exit Jeanie. 

John. What thing? 

Maggie. The weddin'. That's what I'm here for. 

John. {Shrinking) Oh, ay! I dinna ken. There's 
na hurry. {Hopefully.) If ye're feelin' too weary the 
day, we could put it aff. 



A BIT O HEATHER 13 

Maggie. I'm na feelin' too weary — and we've put it 
aff lang enough a'ready. 

John. A body should be mair deleeberate in a thing 
o' this kind. 

Maggie. I've gi'en it a great deal o' conseederation, 
John. I've been thinkin' aboot it for thirrty years. 

(Jeanie reappears.) 

Jeanie. The minister said he'd be here at twelve 
o'clock and it's a'most that a'ready. 

Maggie. Weel, he'll no be havin' to wait on me. Is 
this the room? {Exit Maggie. Jeanie follows, helping 
to carry the luggage. ) 

(John paces up and down the room in awful per- 
plexity. Finally he sits down with his head in his 
hands and groans. ) 

John. I canna do it! — I canna do it! — What'll I do? 
— What'll I do? It's terrible! (He sinks back in the 
chair, groaning. Enter Jeanie. She hesitates. John 
does not see her.) Oh, oh! God help me! 

Jeanie. (In alarm) Why, Mr. Wilson ! What is the 
matter? Arre ye sick? 

John. (Looking up helplessly) What did ye say, 
Jeanie? — Sick? (The idea dawns.) That's it! I'm 
sick! I'm awfu' sick, Jeanie. Help me, Jeanie! I 
think I'm gaein' ta dee! 

Jeanie. (Gently) Don't be frightened, Mr. Wilson. 
Ye're a' richt. Ye're juist a bit nairvous. Lie doon on 
the couch for a few minutes and I'll get ye something. 

John. No, Jeanie — I'm no nairvous. I'm sick. I'm 
terrible sick, Jeanie. Ye're to get the doctor quick. I 
think I'm gaein' ta dee. 

Jeanie. Don't tak' on so, Mr. Wilson. Ye're juist 
excited, that's all. I've heerd that men get awfu' nair- 
vous and want to back oot at the last minute. Ye're 
a' richt. Come and lay doon on the couch. (Helps him 
to couch.) I'll get ye a wee drap o' something. It'll 
settle ye. (She starts toward kitchen.) 

John. (Sharply) Naething'll settle me noo. — There's 



14 A BIT O HEATHER 

only one hope. Get the doctor and get him quick! I 
can't live through this. I'll dee first. 

(Jeanie goes to cupboard and gets whisky bottle and 
a glass. She pours a drink and takes glass and bot- 
tle over to John.) 

Jeanie. Here, drink this. (John takes the glass.) 
I'll telephone the doctor. (She sets down bottle and goes 
out. John takes one drink and is about to pour himself 
another when Jeanie returns.) Doctor was at hame and 
he's comin' richt over. He's always jokin'. He didna 
want ta tak' me seriously at first. Air ye no better noo, 
Mr. Wilson? 

John. (Groaning) There is na hope. I'm done for, 
Jeanie. I'm done for. 

Jeanie. Here, — ye'd better have anither. (She is 
pouring it out when there is a knock at the door. She 
puts down glass.) It'll be the minister! What'll I do? 

John. Oh ! — Oh ! — Oh ! — Tell him I'm deein'. — I am ! 
Oh, my God! (He turns and twists as though in agony. 
Jeanie goes to the door and admits the Rev. Cameron, 
dressed for the ceremony.) 

Cameron. (Gaily) Well, here I am, Jeanie! Has 
the bonnie bride arrived ? (Hearing groans from John. ) 
What has happened? 

Jeanie. It's Mr. Wilson. He's been taken aw T fu' sick. 

Cameron. Indeed? This is unfortunate. What 
seems to be the matter? Is it serious, Jeanie? (He sees 
the bottle and glass. Sniffs.) This is indeed unfortu- 
nate! (Shakes his head sadly.) The curse of the 
Scotch. What's to be done? 

Jeanie. He was taken awfu' sudden juist after he 
came from the train. I've sent for Dr. Gray. He's 
comin' richt over. I think ye'll be mair comfortable 
waitin' in this room. (Opens door.) I'll call ye when 
ye're needed. 

Cameron. (Shaking his head piously) Very well. 
This is indeed unfortunate. (He goes out.) 

John. (Rising and looking after him) It sairtainly 
is, Reverend Cameron — but I'll dee first! She's mair 



A BIT O HEATHER 1 5 

than I can stand, Jeanie. — Who took doon my wife's pic- 
ture? Did she? 

Jeanie. No — I took it doon, Mr. Wilson. — I 

John. Weel, put it back. 

Jeanie. I thocht 

John. Dinna think. Do as ye're telt. 

Jeanie. Reverend Cameron thocht 



John. It's none o' his business. We dinna pay him 
for thinkin'. We pay him for prayin'. I tell ye I want 
it back. 

Jeanie. Verra weel, Mr. Wilson. I'll put it back. 
(She starts to get it, but the Doctor enters.) 

Doctor. {Jolly) Hello, Jeanie! Well, what's the 
matter here ? Is the bridegroom needing a tonic ? — Umm 
— I see he's had one. 

Jeanie. He's awfu' sick, Doctor. Thinks he's dyin'. 

Doctor. Dying! Ishef — No chance of that yet, John. 
(He puts down case and hat. Takes John's hand, feels 
pulse. Smiles mischievously.) Jeanie, get me a glass 
of cold water. (Exit Jeanie.) What's the idea, John? 
Cold feet ? All you need is a hot water bottle ! 

John. (Desperately) Doc! If ye've never saved a 
life — now's yer chance! 

Doctor. (Laughing) What's the matter? 

John. Wait till ye see her! My God, Doc! 

Doctor. Is it as bad as that? 

John. She's parboiled. 

Doctor. I told you you were taking a whale of a 
chance. 

John. It's terrible ! Doc 

Doctor. Well, what do you want me to do ? 

John. (In desperation) I'm to be mairit in five min- 
utes if I dinna dee. Doc, I'd rather dee. Do something, 
Doc ! Cut aff a leg, or anything, but save me ! My God, 
Doc, save me ! And I don't care what the fee is ! 

Doctor. Whee ! Is it as bad as that ? A Scotch- 
man who doesn't care what the fee is ? 

John. I'm desperate, Doc ! I'm desperate ! 

(The door opens and John begins to roll and groan as 
Maggie comes in. She is dressed to look like a 



1 6 A BIT O' HEATHER 

bride, in a white dress of some stiff material. Cot- 
ton gloves. She has a stiff white veil put on awk- 
wardly. She is thin and wrinkled, sour and old, and 
the Doctor at first glance feels sympathy for John 
and decides to save him.) 

Doctor. {Very professionally) Can you take a deep 
breath? (John tries but groans with pain.) Um! This 
is serious. Have you made a will, John? 

John. {In a sick voice) No, I havna. Am I deein', 
Doctor ? 

Doctor. I wouldn't say that, John. While there's life 
there's hope. But you are awful sick. 

(Maggie, who has been standing with mouth open, 
comes up.) 

Maggie. {Abruptly) What ails him? 

Doctor. {Looking up) Terribly sick, Miss. Heart, 
I think. Very sudden. 

John. {Groans) Oh, I'm deein'! Oh, I'm deein'! 
Oh! Oh! 

Maggie. {Incredulously) Is he deein', Doctor? 

Doctor. He thinks he is, Miss. He's very sick. 

Maggie. {In alarm) Weel, what'll we do aboot the 
weddin' ? 

Doctor. I'm sorry, Miss — but — he's in no condition. 

Maggie. {In panic) I've come a' the way frae Scot- 
land. I'm here ta be mairit. He should 'a' mairit me 
thirrty years ago. Can't something be done? 

Doctor. I'm sorry. 

Maggie. {Eagerly) He's no unconscious, is he? 
{Bending over John.) John! Do ye no ken me, John? 
John ! It's Maggie. Speak to me. I'm your bride, John. 
Your bride! 

Doctor. He's sinking into a kind of coma. See how 
queer his eyes look ! 

(John acts on the Doctor's hint.) 

Maggie. He's awfu' auld, ain't he ? Who'd 'a' thocht 
thirrty years wad mak' sich a differ? 

Doctor. You see how quiet he's getting. 



A BIT O HEATHER \J 

Maggie. (In great alarm) But he's no deem', is he? 

Doctor. It is very hard to tell. 

Maggie. ( Wringing her hands) Oh, I'd like to be a 
mairit woman before I dee! If the minister was only 
here — it wadna tak' a minit ! 

Jeanie. (Looking in from the kitchen, where she has 
evidently been listening) Was ye wantin' the minister? 

Maggie. Ay. Wheer is he ? 

Jeanie. He's here — in that room. 

Maggie. (Mitch excited) Weel, get him quick, then. 
— Rouse John, Doctor. Can't ye rouse him? John, — 
my bonnie John — ye'll ha' your Maggie yet ! Rouse yer- 
sel', John ! Look at me. — Can ye no gie him somethin' 
to stir him, Doctor? The license'll be in his pocket, I'm 
thinkin'. (Enter Cameron.) Hurry, hurry! 

Doctor. Too late. 

Maggie. (Shouts in horror) Is he dead? 

Doctor. No, he's not dead, but he's unconscious. 

Maggie. Oh! Oh! (She walks up and down.) Is 
there naething ta be done ? I've waited thirrty years and 
noo I'm fooled again ! Oh, — the auld bletherskite ! 

Cameron. (Coming up to her) Calm yourself, my 
dear lady. I feel very sorry, but maybe it is all for the 
best. Providence has strange ways of working out our 
destinies. Pardon, Doctor — I must speak out. It is my 
desire to comfort our dear sister. I am of the opinion 
that you have been saved a great deal of misery. I think 
Mr. Wilson is suffering from delirium tremens. 

Maggie. (Relieved) Then he'll no dee. 

Cameron. (Horrified) Would ye marry a man with 
delirium tremens? 

Maggie. It's na sa uncommon in Scotland. 

Doctor. Sorry, Reverend Cameron. Your diagnosis 
is wrong. Not delirium tremens. Fits. 

Maggie. (Screams) Fits! Fits! 

Doctor. (Bluntly) Yes. You might as well know 
the worst. He is subject to them. 

Maggie. (Horrified) Fits! 

Doctor. Yes. When he has them bad it's dangerous 
to be around him. I've seen him very bad. Vicious, in 
fact. 



l8 A BIT O' HEATHER 

Maggie. Vicious! Who'd 'a' thocht it? The auld 
devil ! Fits ! 

Doctor. Better keep back. It's dangerous to be too 
near him. 

Maggie. {Backing away) Do you mean he's crazy? 

Doctor. (Shrugs) We don't call it that. 

Maggie. Crazy ! Daft ! 

Doctor. Didn't you know anything about him ? 

Maggie. I havna seen him in thirrty years. Who'd 
'a' thocht he could 'a' changed so ? 

Doctor. Of course you wouldn't want to marry him 
now, and I'd advise ye to get away as quietly as possible. 

Maggie. (In surprise) Get awa'? Wheer wad I be 
gaein' ? 

Doctor. Back to your home in Scotland. I'd advise 
it, Miss. 

Cameron. (Edging away) Yes, Miss — er — Martin. 
It would be better. I'm sure it would be better. If you'll 
get your things, we'll try to get you away quietly before 
he wakes up. 

Maggie. (Bravely) Ye'll do naething o' the kind. 
Fm na gaein' awa'. I've come a' the way frae Scotland 
and I'm gaein* ta stay. I'd be the laughin' stock o' the 
toon! 

Doctor. Well, I've warned you, Miss. I've seen him 
awful bad. I think it's dangerous. 

Maggie. Dangerous or no dangerous, Fm gaein' ta 
stay richt here wheer I belong. (John twists on the 
couch and groans. They all exchange glances.) I ha' 
richts here that na ither woman ever had. I'm his first 
love and I've been true to him a' these years. I'll stay 
richt here and tak' care o' him. 

Doctor. We're not doubting your rights, my good 
woman, but John is a very sick man — desperate, in fact. 

Cameron. And we want to save you. 

Maggie. Ye can save yer breath to cool yer porridge. 
I'm no gaein'. 

Doctor. Of course, if it's the expense ye're thinking 
of, you understand Mr. Wilson would want you to have 
something. He'd be willing to pay your way back to 



A BIT O HEATHER 19 

Scotland, I'm sure, and (He pauses to see how she 

receives the idea.) 

Maggie. I'm pairfectly content juist to stay here and 
tak' care o' him. {Under her breath.) The auld divil! 
Fits! 

Cameron. Didn't he tell you anything about himself? 

Maggie. He did not. 

Doctor. Got you here under false pretences, did he? 

Maggie. He did ! The auld loon ! Told me he felt 
as young as he ever did. There's no fule like an auld 
fule. 

Doctor. I think he ought to do something for you — 
a substantial sum, I should say, to compensate you for 
your long journey and the disappointment. (John 
groans. They all turn to watch him.) He seems to be 
coming to. I'm afraid he is going to be vicious. Better 
stand back — er — Miss Martin, where he won't see you 
at first. (Maggie moves back toward the bedroom door. 
John continues to make more fuss.) You'd better get 
out of here as soon as possible, Miss. I don't like the 
look of this. (Maggie hesitates. John grows more vio- 
lent. The Doctor speaks to the minister.) Are you 
strong? We may have to use force. 

Cameron. (Fearful) Oh, I hope it won't be neces- 
sary ! I'm not very athletic. 

(John is waking up.) 

Doctor. I advise you to leave, Miss Martin. I can't 
be responsible for the consequences. I'll try to get a 
settlement for you. I think it is only fair since you've 
come all this distance. I'll see that he treats you fairly. 
I'll get some money for you even if he has to sell the 
farm. 

Maggie. (In surprise) The farm? Has he a farm? 

Cameron. Oh, yes ! Don't worry about that. He's 
well off — he'll not miss it. 

(John groans louder and louder.) 

Maggie. And who'll be gettin' the farm when he's 
deid? 



20 A BIT HEATHER 

Doctor. I don't know how he's made his will. 

Maggie. He hasna made one. He said so. 

Cameron. Oh, I'm sure he has done right by you. 
He's been looking forward 

Maggie. I'm quite sure he hasna, the auld divil ! 
Them stuck-up cousins in Bannock'll get it. 

(John, unable to control himself, jumps up.) 

John. So, Miss, it's my money you're after? — My 
money, is it? Weel, ye'll na get a penny! 

Doctor. (To Maggie) Don't mind him, Miss 
Martin. It's the disease. 

John. (To Doctor) It's naething o' the kind! I'm 
pairfectly sane ! 

(Doctor nods to Maggie and speaks to her aside.) 

Doctor. One of the symptoms. They always think 
they are. 

John. Ye've come awa' over here with the idea o' 
gettin' my money, have ye? Ye wizened-up, moth-eaten, 
parboiled auld maid, — but ye'll na get it ! 

Maggie. (Screams) Oh! Did ye hear him? Oh, 

ye — ye ! Didn't ye ask me to come ? Didn't ye say 

ye'd always regretted our quarrel? Didn't ye write ye 
could hardly wait for the steamer to arrive? 

Cameron. (Shocked) This is very unfortunate. 
Can't you do something, Doctor? 

Doctor. It will have to run its course. 

John. I must 'a' been oot o' my senses. 

Doctor. You see, Miss — he admits it. 

Maggie. Weel, I'll sue ye for breach o' promise. 

Doctor. (Quickly, to John, aside) Better settle, 
John. 

Maggie. I'll mak' ye suffer for this ! Lurin' an inno- 
cent girrl here ! 

John. Ay, — ye're that a' richt! Ye never had the 
chance ta be onything else. 

Maggie. Ye're a lee-er. Mony's the chances I've had, 
but I've always been true to my first love. (She wipes 
away a tear.) 



A BIT HEATHER 21 

Cameron. (Trying to comfort her) Don't forget, 
Miss, he's not himself. He's a very sick man. I've never 
heard a bad word said of him before. 

Doctor. (Aside) It's cheaper to settle, John. 

John. (Muttering) Never heard of sich impidence 
— after my money ! (He sits on the couch.) 

Doctor. (In undertone, to all of them) He's quieting 
down. It's passing. Better all get out. (He motions 
for them to leave. ) 

John. (Muttering) My cousins in Bannock! My 
money she's after — auld maid ! 

Doctor. Lie down, John. Lie down. (He motions 
the others out. They all go.) John, you've got to give 
her some money. 

John. I'll be hanged first. 

Doctor. She's got you for big damages. Take my 
advice and settle to-day. 

John. It's my money she's after! 

Doctor. Well, if it's your money she's after, wait till 
some shyster lawyer gets a-hold of her ! She's got ye, 
John. She's willing to marry you, you know. 

John. God forbid! 

Doctor. Give her a couple of thousand and get rid 
of her. 

John. (Aghast) Twa thoosan' dollars ! She never 
heard of sich a lot o' money in her whole life ! 

Doctor. You haven't seen her in thirty years. Maybe 
she's changed. 

John. (With finality) A thoosan's enough. 

Doctor. Well, I'll see what I can do, but / hae my 
doots. She's canny! Like yourself, John. But you've 
got to stay unconscious, — do you understand? If you 
come out of it again, I'll stick you with a pin. Now, are 
you asleep ? Deeper breathing — mouth open. That's bet- 
ter! (He goes to the door and calls Jeanie.) Jeanie ! 
Tell Miss — what's-her-name — to come here. Better have 
the minister, too, as a witness. 

Jeanie. Ay, Doctor. She's changin'. I'll tell her. 

(Enter Rev. Cameron.) 
Cameron. Is he better, Doctor? 



22 A BIT O HEATHER 

Doctor. He's quiet — sleeping. 

Cameron. Poor man — what an affliction ! 

Doctor. Yes. The Scotch affliction. 

Cameron. What ? Fits ? 

Doctor. No! Tight! {Enter Maggie, who has put 
on travelling coat.) He's dropped off again, Miss 
Martin. Before he quieted down he said that owing to 
the fact you didn't know about his fits, he'd be willing to 
give you some remuneration. He is very generous — and 
he thought — well, he thought about two thousand dollars 
would 

John. {Half rising, calls) One! 

{The others all turn toward him.) 

Doctor. Talking in his sleep — he often counts that 
way in his sleep. One, two, three, and so forth. The 
Scotch are good at figures even in their sleep. — I take it 
upon myself, Miss Martin, to offer you two thousand 
dollars {looks toward John), in the name of John Wil- 
son, incapacitated. 

Maggie. {Stands thinking) He got me here under 
false pretences. It's twice he's fooled me. He can mak' 
it three thoosan'. (John shows signs of violence.) And 
buy me a first-class ticket. I'm na a guid sailor. {She 
stands with her head in the air and a look of triumph on 
her face. Unable to control himself as he sees his money 
going, John jumps up from the couch. He grabs articles 
and begins to throw them.) 

John. Get oot o' here, ye hussy! Get oot o' my 
hoose, I tell ye! {They all dodge. The minister gets 
behind a chair.) Jeanie, get her traps. Her hand-bags 
and umbrellas and bird cages. Get her oot o' my sight, 
or I'll gae daft ! {He turns to Maggie.) I'll give ye one 
thoosan' dollars and it's a' ye'll get. Do ye hear me? 
It's a' ye'll get. Ye can tak' it or leave it — but get oot ! 

Maggie. I'll have the law on ye, ye doddering auld 
skinflint ! I've got yer letters. Dinna forget that ! 

John. {Shouts) A thoosan' dollars or naething, I 
tell ye ! 

Maggie. {Firmly) I willna budge for thot. 



A BIT HEATHER 23 

Doctor. But you'll go for two thousand, won't you, 
Miss? 

John. {Stubbornly) I will na gie it her. 

Doctor. Oh, yes, ye will, John ! 

John. I tell ye I willna! Ye can keep oot o' this. 
Mind yer ain business ! 

Maggie. I'll no budge for less, I tell ye. Two thoo- 
sand, or I stay richt herre — and I'll hae the law on ye ! 

Cameron. {Agitated) Can't we compromise this in 
some way, Mr. Wilson? It's ver^ unfortunate in your 
nervous state. 

John. Dinna fash yersel' aboot me. My nairves are 
a' richt. (Jeanie returns with the luggage. John is 
storming and raging around the room.) Three thoosan' 
dollars and first-class passage! Whoever heard o' sich 
impidence! {He grabs the picture of her from the 
mantel and throws it. ) 

Doctor. John, control yourself ! 

Maggie. I'll ha' the law on ye, ye auld 

Cameron. {Frightened) Mr. Wilson, I am amazed ! 

John. Amazed, arre ye? Amazed or no, — ye can tak' 
her to the parish. Ye can pray over her. Ye can do 
onything ye like — but get oot o' here ! I'll send ye the 
check. I'm through wi' her. — After my money, is she? 

{The Rev. Cameron and Jeanie gather up her bun- 
dles. They almost force her out. John storms and 
rants. ) 

Maggie. {Calling back) Two thoosan', ye auld skin- 
flint, or I'll have the law on ye ! — Fits ! 

(John throws things as she puts in her head for this 
final remark. The Doctor, laughing, begins to sing, 
"I lo'e a lassie — a bonnie, bonnie lassie.") 

John. {After a long pause) Ye're awfu' generous 
with ither people's money. 

Doctor. Would ye rather have her back, John? 
{Continues to hum, " I lo'e a lassie.") 

John. God forbid! {He walks to desk solemnly.) 
What do I owe ye ? 



24 A BIT O HEATHER 

Doctor. Write hers first, John. Two thousand dol- 
lars. 

John. (Hesitates — but writes) It's an awfu' lot o' 
money — but (hesitates) — it's worth it! (Hands check to 
Doctor. ) Weel — what's yours ? 

Doctor. I think a donation of five hundred dollars to 
the hospital is about right. 

John. My God! Wha do ye think I am? Rocke- 
feller? 

Doctor. (Sings) r " I lo'e a lassie " (His move- 
ments suggest the Highland Fling. John writes the 
check laboriously and hands it to the Doctor.) Thanks. 
There's another thing, John. Write one for Jeanie. 
Helps a woman to keep her mouth shut. Give her a 
hundred dollars, John. (John hesitates.) Go on, John. 
Write it ! Forget you're Scotch ! 

(John writes the check. The Doctor reaches for it.) 

John. I'll gie it to her mysel'. (He folds it up and 
puts it in his pocket. ) 

Doctor. (Assuming professional air) Well, I'm off. 
Should you feel a return of your old trouble, Mr. Wil- 
son (Jeanie enters.) Jeanie, look after the pa- 
tient. If you see any signs of fits, send for me. 
( Laughs. ) 

Jeanie. Think shame o' yersel', Doctor — giein' him 
sich a bad name ! 

Doctor. Don't you think it's worth it, Jeanie ? Well, 
good-bye, John. (Exit, singing "I lo'e a lassie.") 

(Jeanie goes and gets the picture of Mrs. Wilson. 
She has it in her arms to hang.) 

John. Dinna bother to hang that noo, Jeanie. (She 
faces him.) I was thinkin' when I was lyin' there — it's 
a great pity to waste those tickets to Niagara Falls. 

Jeanie. (Kindly) Ay, it is that, Mr. Wilson. Could 
ye no turn them back, or somethin' ? 

John. It's too late for that, noo, and I don't know 
when there'll be another excursion. I was juist won- 
derin' hoo ye'd like to go yersel'. 



A BIT 0' HEATHER 25 

Jeanie. {Surprised) Me — Mr. Wilson? 

John. Ay! 

Jeanie. (Shyly) I dinna ken juist what ye're 
meanin', Mr. Wilson. 

John. I mean that we're very comfortable juist as 
we arre. 

Jeanie. (Eagerly) Ay, we arre thot, Mr. Wilson! 

John. We could maybe call on a Justice o' the Peace 
at the Falls. This license is na guid to me noo. (Tears 
it up.) But we could use this ring. 

Jeanie. (With joy) Oh, Mr. Wilson! Do ye really 
mean it? 

John. (Solemnly) Ay. Hoo lang would it tak' ye 
to get ready? 

Jeanie. Oh, it wouldna tak' me lang, — John! (It is 
the first time she has said it and she lingers over the 
name. She looks at him lovingly, but he has no intention 
of kissing her.) 

John. Weel, — hurry then. We'll catch the two- 
twenty. 

Jeanie. (Joyously) I'll hurry, John! I'll hurry! 
(She goes out, glancing back lovingly at him.) 

(John slowly takes the check out of his pocket and 
after reading it, slowly tears it up. ) 

John. (Solemnly) She'll no be needin' this, the noo. 
CURTAIN 



ADAM APPLEBUD'S NEW FARCE 
COMEDY 



Salt Water Taffy 

By Adam Applebud 

(Carl Pierce) 

A Breezy Bit of Banter in Three Acts, 4 m., 5 w. 

2 extremely easy interiors 

One can always expect the unusual in a new play from the pen of 
Adam Applebud, but this time he has surpassed any previous effort 
in putting together in play form as breezy a bit of banter as will be 
offered to amateurs this season. The cast is made up wholly of 
young people, the spirit of the play is youth and the plot story is 
teeming over with action of the sort that young people of to-day 
engage in. The love affair of "Sugar" and "Chickie" will make the 
grouchiest grouch forget his troubles. "Chickie" is going to the 
Cape for his vacation and "Sugar" delegates her best friend Irma 
to just happen down there at the same time to keep an eye on this 
eligible young man. She does and with results. The fun of watching 
the antics of the boys keeping house will not soon be forgotten. The 
third act is a mirthquake of riotous clean farce and can be put over 
successfully even by inexperienced players. Expect a clever play 
and then double your expectations and you'll have some notion of 
what a clever playwright can turn out for amateur groups. 

CHARACTERS 

Charlotte Bancroft, "Sugar." 

Irma Hastings, her best friend. 

Charles Dudley, "Chickie" 

Edwin Rowley, a bashful beau. 

Anita Thorndike, the cause of Ed's worry. 

Jane Oxford, chilly and much the high-brow. 

Ripley^Brooks } two4hirds °f an irrepressible trio. 
Billy Flood, who covers a lot of territory. 

Act I. The Bancroft living-room in Boston. 
Act II. Interior of a summer camp on the sand dunes near Province- 
town. 
Act III. Same setting as Act II. 

no royalty 

Books Thirty-Five Cents Each 



YOUTH — ROMANCE — SPRINGTIME 

Apple Blossom Time 

A Refreshing Comedy in Three Acts 

By Eugene G. Hafer 

Author Of 

"Climbing Roses." "It Happened In June." "Take My 
Advice." "The Big Cheese." 

A Cast of Five Men and Seven Women 

You will find this a delightful, swiftly moving comedy with rapid- 
fire dialogue, a bright and merry plot, and uproarious comedy 
situations. When Bob Matthews flees to the crossroads village and 
assumes the guardianship of a girl, Betty Ann Stewart, whom he 
supposes to be about ten years old he steps into a beehive of 
trouble. His first experience in the village is a violent encounter 
with an eighteen-year-old " impudent whirlwind of a girl " who 
upsets his dignity, rouses his ire to the boiling point, and then 
laughs derisively at his threats. Imagine his horrified dismay 
when he finds that this is the girl over whom he is expected to 
act as a guardian. With this beginning the plot spins merrily on, 
laughs and thrills piling upon one another in rapid succession. 
Cal the village constable's attempts to court Polly Biddle, the 
cook; Spud McClosky and Mickey Maguire's race for the hand 
of homely Malvina Kurtz; the loud-mouthed Charlie Lawrence 
and coy Nancy Loretta Harris, the prettiest girl in the village ; 
Annabel Spriggins, the village old maid; haughty Mrs. Forrest; 
Bob and whirlwind Betty Ann — ■ all these scenes and characters 
furnish laughs and excitement in abundance. 

CHARACTERS 

Bob Matthews, an unwilling visitor at the crossroads. 
Charlie Lawrence, his go-getter friend. 
Spud McClosky, direct from Sunshine Alley. 
Mickey Maguire, also from Sunshine Alley. 
Cal Pickens, the village constable. 
Betty Ann Stewart, a human tornado. 
Nancy Prescott, a pretty neighbor. 
Loretta Harris, the prettiest girl in the village. 
Polly Biddle, caretaker of Tad Forrest's home. 
Malvina Kurtz, whose ambition is to have a beau. 
Mrs. Forrest, the haughty sister-in-law of Tad Forrest. 
Annabel Spriggins, the village old maid. 

Time: The present. The month of May. 

Place : Room in the home of Tad Forrest at the crossroads. 

royalty only ten dollars 

Each Amateur Performance 

Books Fifty Cents Each 



A JOYOUS FARCE OF GAY ADVENTURE 

YES, YES! GO ON 

A Farce Comedy in Three Acts 

by Eulalie Andreas and Jane Hurrle 

Arranged for the Amateur Stage 

by Albert Lang 

Jasmine Deane and her mother have been quite unexpectedly 
reduced to genteel poverty and as a means to an end, inaugurate a 
mail order business, conducted from their home. Jazz has as many 
male admirers as there are component parts in a boarding house 
hash, and these she presses into service to keep the wheels of farce- 
fun well greased. One in particular, Bobby, a sort of jellyfish 
good fellow, tries to the breaking point the not altogether good 
disposition of Jazz. She puts it over on him in scandalous fashion. 
In comes Mrs. Pat Deane, Jazz's flapper grandmother and with her 
arrival things perk up in the mail and male order enterprise. Seem- 
ingly she is not financially well off but in the denouement she has 
oodles of coin and saves the business, Bobby's independence and 
Jazz's happiness. A professional success revamped for amateurs 
and complete with every conceivable production help. 

CAST 

Mrs. Doris Deane, a widow. 

Jasmine, her daughter, better known as "Jazz." 

Mrs. Patricia Deane, Jazz's grandmother. 

Count Roma Berra, a romantic Italian in love with Jazz. 

Robert Stuyvesant, better known as Bobby. Also in love with 

Jazz, but is looked upon as a jellyfish and used as a doormat. 
Judge Shorey, a bachelor. Bobby's guardian, and life-long 

friend of Doris Deane. 
Moses Kraft, a dealer in ready-made dresses. 
Don, ] 

Reginald, > admirers of Jasmine. 
John, J 

Mary Downey, ] 
Miss Brown, t 

Miss Smith, \ shoppers. 

Miss Jones, J 

Act I. A room in Mrs. Doris Deane 's home converted into 

an office. 
Act II. The same. The following morning. 
Act III. Scene 1. The same. Two weeks later. 

Scene 2. Three A.M. the following morning. 
Place: New York City. 
Time: Today. Autumn. 

royalty only fifteen dollars 

Each Amateur Performance 

Books Seventy-Five Cents Each 



A PLAY WITH THOUSANDS OF PER- 
FORMANCES TO ITS CREDIT 

Be An Optimist 

By Adam Applebud 

The Quintessence of Nonsense in Three Acts. 6m., 7w., 2 ints. 
Adam Applebud certainly blossomed forth with as many original 
situations and bits of business as a centipede has pedal extremities 
when he wrote "Be An Optimist." Funnier things happen than you 
ever dreamed of after a midnight encounter with a welsh-rarebit. 
For instance, can you imagine manufacturing a mummy with a 
love-sick swain, surgical bandages and a pail of coffee as the chief 
ingredients? Also, why are shot-guns and baseball bats vital to the 
antique business to say nothing of sledge-hammers and tooth- 
brushes? Would you stand within three feet of your best pal and 
listen to him make love to your girl and hear her ask him for a 
kiss? Our hero does, and he is helpless under the prevailing 
circumstances. The property man won't be worried as the " props " 
most important to the play are found in every home. The char- 
acters are more assorted than the component parts of boarding 
house hash, and they will keep the laugh center in your medulla 
working livelier than a cash register in a bargain basement. 
Warning! If you yearn for "Culchaw" or have a burning desire 
to aid in the uplift of the "drahma," don't open a copy of "Be 
An Optimist"; but if you want the rafters of the old town hall to 
ring with laughter, hop to it ! 

THE PEOPLE OF THE PLAY AS YOU MEET THEM 

Isaac Golditch, antiquer, of the Golditch Art Shop. 
Becky, his daughter. 

Pietro D'Angelo Caccialino, expert worm-holer. 
Jimmie Maynard, "the poor stiff." 
Mildred Clinton, who is in love and likes it. 
Mrs. Clinton, "why mother-in-law jokes are true.' 1 
Mike, just what his name suggests. 
Ray Hudson, a friend in need, but scarcely in deed. 
Miss Hull, interior decorator. 

Maggie, not green — for "greenness "wears off, so call her stupid. 
Ethel Peabody, who defies love to affect her. 
Spencer, a paid guest. 
Madame Goopher, dispenser of spirits. 
Guests at the Ball. 

They Are Seen 

During Act I — In the Golditch Art Shop. Morning. 

During Act II — In Mrs. Clinton's Home. Afternoon. 

During Act III — Still at Mrs. Clinton's. The next evening. 

ROYALTY ONLY TEN DOLLARS 

Each Amateur Performance 

Books Fifty Cents Each 



A MIRTHQUAKE OF LAUGHTER 

When A Feller Needs 
A Friend 

By J. C. McMullen 

A Farce In Three Acts For Five Men and Five Women 
One Easy Interior Set. Plays a Full Evening 

Tom Denker and Bob Mills, trying to break into New York, have 
reached the point where their furniture consists of soap boxes, their 
diet what they can steal from the dog's milk and the parrot's cracker, 
and where one suit between them is the best they can do. How 
they climbed out of these social depths and what side-splitting 
complications arose from their efforts to do so form the plot of a 
mighty funny play which provides ten parts of about equal oppor- 
tunity and is as easy to produce as it is effective. 

CHARACTERS 

Tom Denker, an artist. 

Bob Mills, a magazine writer. 

Mrs. Reese, their landlady. 

Jerry Smith, just returned from "Over There." 

Liz, Mrs. Reese's stepdaughter. 

"Bing" Dickson, Liz's steady. 

William Denker, Tom's uncle. 

Alice King, Tom's aunt. 

Elaine Lynne, Alice King's ward. 

Angela Scott, Bob's fiancee. 

Act I. A room in Mrs. Reese's apartment house, 10.00 A.M. 
Act II. The same 11.00 A.M. 
Act III. The same. 12.00 M. 

Time: A Friday morning in November. 
Place: New York City. 

royalty only ten dollars 

Each Amateur Performance 
Books Thirty -Five Cents Each 



A PLOT STORY AS BIG AS 

The Heart of Humanity 

ACE HIGH 

A Comedy Drama In Three Stirring Acts 

By J. C. McMullen 

Five Men Five Women 

One Interior Scene 

Mr. Jones was a plain unvarnished American. So was his wife 
and family — until they became rich. Then Mrs. Jones changes 
father's name, tries to marry her daughter into the English nobility, 
insists on " bossing " everybody about the place and makes every- 
one generally miserable. The wealth and jewels of the family 
attract the attention of several crooks whom Mrs. Jones entertains 
unawares. The resultant mixup produces a sparkling comedy with 
ten star parts. As a play of family life, showing the little petty 
things that come up from day to day, it is without a peer. Father 
eventually asserts himself, stands on his dignity and straightens 
things out, but you have two and a half hours of good, rollicking 
fun before he does it. 

CHARACTERS 

Parker Jones, the retired fertilizer king. 

Catherine, his wife. 

Gladys, their eldest daughter. 

Kit, their youngest daughter. 

Morey, their son. 

Mrs. Maxfield, a guest in the Jones home. 

Blair Challman, the garageman. 

Mack, the ace. 

Fulton, the butler. 

Dora Cowan, the gardener's daughter. 

Scene: Living-room of the Jones country home in Connecticut. 

Act I. Scene 1. A delayed dinner. 

Scene 2. Two hours later. 
Act II. Two days later. 
Act III. A week later. 

royalty only ten dollars 

Each Amateur Performance 

Books Fifty Cents Each 



AN EXCITING COMEDY 



Chintz Cottage 

By Beulah King 

A Three- Act Comedy, 2m.,S w. 

Easy stage set 

A plot which fairly bristles with exciting events. It tells the 
story of what happens up at Minty's place. Minty, a charmingly 
attractive^ girl of 20, bored with society, comes from the city to 
rusticate in the remote village of Meadowbrook. She brings with 
her a maid and settles down for a state of peace and quiet. Then 
the lid blows off and as in plays only, one exciting event piles on 
another to startling climaxes. Minty does not rest, but she gets a 
''change" and incidentally falls heir to a husband. The cast is an 
interesting one with Minty topping the group. Following as a close 
second, is the maid "skeered all the time," a rich comedy part. 
Then there is Minty's aunt a "boss" with a matrimonial eye on 
Mr. Kent (poor man he needed a manager and he got one) . Peter 
is an innocent cause for most of the trouble while his sister, Grace, 
helps him in and out of several predicaments. Mrs Dean's part is 
short but an excellent bit. An attractive play for amateurs, easily 
got ready for production. Few props to puzzle over, a simple 
interior setting and possessing a good yam dramatically told. 





THE CAST 


Minty 


Peter 


Fanny 


Mrs. Tillingtop. 


Grace 


Mr. Kent 




Mrs. Dean 



Act I. At Minty's Cottage. A June morning. 
Act II. The same. Early evening of the same day. 
Act III. The same. Later the same evening. 

The right of one performance issues only with the purchase 
and payment of eight copies or more; a special license for 
repeat performances will be issued on receipt of $2.50 for 
each such performance. 

Books Thirty -Five Cents Each 



THE LAUGHING HIT OF THE YEAR 



Oh, Kay! 

By Adam Applebud 

A Farce Comedy in Three Acts interlarded with mystery and thrills. 6 m., 
5w. Three of the male characters have little to do. One easy interior. 
Plays a full evening. Here is another corking play by the author of BE AN 
OPTIMIST which will make as big a hit as that has. It will be fun to watch 
it, fun to act it and fun to rehearse it. It's a sort of mystery play with some- 
thing doing every minute in the way of thrills, surprises and laughs. There 
are no dead bodies falling out of closets, no gorillas, bats, spiders or other 
repulsive things running around but there's plenty of excitement and 
strange things happen before your eyes. " Gramp " with his flivver and 
its never-ending accessories and " Gram" with her habit of trying every 
patent medicine on the market are a couple of comedy roles which will 
furnish a couple of hundred laughs. Kay Millis, the girl detective, is a strong 
part calling for good acting while Art and Edith are juvenile parts of much 
appeal. Then there are other good parts and as the plot moves all are en- 
meshed in the " tangled threads of mystery." Oh, yes, we must mention the 
Black Terror himself , who is the cause of all the trouble. Can it be . . . ? 
Do you suppose . . . ? He is . . . ? But the secret must be kept. 
If you have pleased audiences before vou will certainly retain their good will 
by offering them OH, KAY! 

THE PLAYERS 

Edith Whitman. 

Evelyn Whitman, her mother. 

Arthur Whitman, her brother. 

Captain George Whitman, her father. 

"Gram." Pembroke. 

Alice Borden. 

The "Black Terror." 

"Gramp" Pembroke. 

Jim Hayes. 

Kay Millis, of the Millis Detective Agency. 

Fred Alden. 

The entire action of the play takes place in the living-room of the Whitmans 
in the course of one evening. 

A few minutes elapse between Acts I and II. 
Acts II and III are continuous. 

ROYALTY ONLY TEN DOLLARS 

Each Amateur Performance 
Books Fifty Cents Each 

WALTER H. BAKER COMPANY 

41 Winter Street, Boston, Mass. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

iiiiwiiiiffliiiiiiwiiiiiiiiiiii 

016 102 939 7 9 



BAKERS 

ROYALTY 

PLAYS 

%e Cream of Published Plays 




"" BAKER ► 
^ PLAY d 



In originality of theme, up-to-the- 
minute dialogue and rich and varied 
characterization, these rank with the 
best professional plays being produced, 
the chief difference being that in select- 
ing them certain limitations of the 
amateur's stage facilities have been 
kept in mind. They either have suc- 
cessful tours to their credit or have 
been written by professional authors 
especially for amateur production. 
Stage directions are given in great 
detail. They present opportunity for 
progress for ambitious and talented 
players. 



''Each One of Bakers Royalty Plays 
is a Prompt Book in Itself M 



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^ \i 



WALTER H.BAKER COMPANY, INC 
41 WIMTER STREET, BOSTON, MASS. 



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HO AVERY SUPPLY CO. BOSTON 18646 



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